Jake – The Satire

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing this letter from my hospital bed. I have been wrongly accused of driving distractedly. Honestly, I was just answering a text from my girlfriend. After all, it was Valentine’s Day, and I was running late!

This law is ridiculous because it is infringing upon my 1st Amendment Constitutional rights as a citizen of the United States of America. The first amendment guarantees freedom of speech, which means I can speak when I please; which includes while driving. It is widely known that the government cannot pass laws that are unconstitutional – distracted driving laws are unconstitutional. The only reasonable solution is to abolish this law.

What’s worse? People dying or my rights being infringed upon? During the Revolutionary War, people died to ensure taxation with representation – which is a basic human right. Only nine people die from distracted driving per day, while 90 people per day die from drunk driving. 9 is less than 90. Obviously, it’s not as bad!

If your girlfriend was calling, wouldn’t you answer the phone? We all have phones for a reason. If we pay the phone bill, we should be able to use it. Anyway, we are all defensive drivers, which means everyone should watch out for me when I’m on the phone.

My insurance even deemed me a safe driver. Besides, accidents happen! You might say that I could wait to use my phone, but communication is important. At least that’s what my marriage counselor told me. And I can’t dictate because someone may listen in on my private conversations. I definitely can’t use a hands-free device because the sound quality is horrible. Phones to the ear all the way! The only solution is to abolish this law because it’s unconstitutional.

Am I even free to write this letter?